Learning to Live with the Loss of Loved Ones | Episode 6 Activate God with Habibat

Embracing Grief and Finding Purpose: Exploring the Emotions and Stages of Loss | Activate God Podcast

In this heartfelt episode of Activate God podcast, host Habibat delves into the emotions and stages experienced during grief. She shares personal stories and reflections, including the loss of her former therapist, and discusses 5 phases people experience when they are grieving, including the shock, sadness, regret, and eventual acceptance that come with losing a loved one. The 5 steps/phases include: the Initial emotion; sadness and questioning; acceptance; intentionality; and Re-living: working on honoring life.

Habibat also explores how grief can drive us to live more intentionally, create a life filled with joy and purpose, and honor those who have passed. She emphasizes the importance of gratitude and support systems in navigating grief. Join Habibat for a comforting and thought-provoking discussion on loss, life, and living with purpose.

00:00 Introduction to Grief and Emotions

00:33 Welcome Back to Activate God Podcast

01:11 Exploring Grief and Loss (part 2)

03:43 Understanding the Emotional Toll of Grief

06:53 Acceptance and Intentional Living

22:47 Honoring Ancestors and Spiritual Reflections

26:44 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

29:21 Closing Prayer and Farewell

Transcript

Speaker: 0:00

Hello, hello, hello. Welcome back to another episode of Activate God podcast. I am your host, Habibat, and I am super, super, super excited to be here with you today. so it's been a while as per usual, 'cause I feel like I'm inconsistent, but it's fine. because one of the things that I'm reminding myself, particularly as I'm building up consistency, confidence is that it will take me time to build. And then two, I just need to prioritize a little bit more. So if you have a dream, if y'all have a goal, if you have a desire. Try to commit to it, but also be kind to yourself as you, develop that habit and that skill. over the past few months, the past episode, I was talking about grief and what does it look like to experience loss, And this episode is gonna be a part two to that because there's a lot to talk about, particularly when it comes to grieving and losing someone that you love, So the truth is. This episode is dedicated towards that and also exploring about what different religions say about what happens when you die. Because I think sometimes understanding what happens when you die can sometimes give you a little bit of peace around losing someone, but also understanding your own death and understanding what might happen, particularly when you are. Transitioning and you will transition at some point, but we will all die. And truthfully, if life continues to life as it should, we'll probably experience loss in some ways. so my prayer is for one, if you. If you are experiencing loss, I'm sorry. I don't think there's an easy way to say it. Whether or not you love the person daily or whether or not you questioned your love for that person or whether or not y'all had a back and forth interesting relationship the truth is it's hard losing someone. my condolences, and once again, I'm sending healing energy, praying energy, peaceful energy your way As you experience grief, that's the reality as you experience grief. the truth is one of the things that I've realized, particularly as I'm getting older, and the more I experience life, the more I will and you will experience grief and loss and transitions. And, one of the things that I think is super important, particularly if you are losing someone. It's for you to go through the stages of what does it look like for you to lose someone and the emotional toll that it takes on you, while also examining how do you continue to experience life, And how do you continue to realign yourself with God so that you are clear in regards to why things are happening in your life. And how do you use the fuel of grief? The fuel of losing someone to actually allow you to really. really thrive in this world. And for you to really think about what does it look like for me to exist freely because at some point I'm gonna die. I do want us to think about that. but first off, before we think about thriving, if you were experiencing grief or if you're learning about grief, particularly through this episode. I wanna talk about the emotions that you go through when you are grieving someone. So during the last episode, I spoke about me losing my former therapist, who I love so much, Don Real. okay. I don't wanna cry. I might cry. I spoke about the initial process of losing her, and also losing people generally in my life. but I think that one hit a lot harder because of how consistent our relationship was. But particularly for this episode, I wanna talk about the emotional toll that you go through when you are grieving. And I took a few notes and I have my laptop here to, to support with my note taking process and to give y'all, really my ideas in regards to what is it that I believe about grief, but also what you experience and I've done extensive research. so the first things that you go through, particularly when you experience someone losing or someone that you've lost, particularly through death, is that initial emotion, For everyone. It looks different, and these steps absolutely looks different depending on who you are. and they may not necessarily be, sequential. It could be sporadic, it could be. I'm saying number three, my number three could be your number one. So just know that there's a lot more fluidity, particularly when it comes to emotions and logic and really the humanistic experience. So the first step and the first cycle that you go through, particularly when you're experiencing grief, is that initial emotion, like I mentioned, So you go through the reflection, the shock, the, some somewhat regret, somewhat sadness, somewhat did I do my best? Oh my God, like what happened? And why did it have to happen? So I think there's a particular level of questioning of self. There's a particular level of questioning of God that happens during this stage as well. which I think is hard, Because I think even if you know that the person is transitioning, Because sometimes you have health problems and it's a cancer diagnosis and they're like, oh, you have X amount of months to live. and you see the person deteriorating, it's still. Extremely difficult to watch someone transition and. Truthfully. Once again, the more we experience life, the more we realize people are getting older, our parents are getting older. If you still have parents who are alive, our friends are getting older, If you have friends, our siblings are getting older if you have siblings. So I think watching people getting older, could be challenging, but it really shows you that life is happening. And also death is also happening too. And I wanna really normalize. death. I wanna really normalize what is it like for us to talk about it, because I think it's a topic that we don't talk about as much, particularly since we're all gonna experience it at some point. So the first emotion is that initial shock, wow. This person transitioned. You think about everything in your mind, many random things. You think about their good memories, you think about their bad memories, you think about just so many things. So it's like that, wow. and you also question what's that there for that person? As much as I could have been, I think there's a little bit of regret that happens sometimes. I know for me, I was like, I wish I would've saw her again. and particularly I'm talking about my former therapist. and the reality is I did it. And she probably did not want me to. And truthfully, I asked her and she said, no, but in my mind I'm like, I wish I would've been a lot more consistent. So I think you, you experienced that initial, shock in that initial sadness when you lose someone, and then you start questioning yourself. You start questioning life. You start questioning why you start questioning God. you start questioning it all. and I think that's a part of the process. That's a part of the humanistic experience. And then I think at some point, once you experience that initial shock and once you start, once you stop questioning as much, 'cause I don't think that the questions stop. I think the questions lessen. but once you, once the questioning lessens, I think there's a particular level of acceptance that happens because you're like, nothing can change, nothing. Literally This person is now permanently transitioned physically away from me. So I can't talk to them in the same ways in which I used to. I can't see them. I can't feel them in the ways in which I used to. I can't create new memories in the ways in which I used to. so physically they're no longer here. So I think I. You, you experience acceptance. And I think the acceptance stage takes a while. For some people it takes months. For some people it takes years. it takes a while. And the other thing, oh my God. So I have a new friend, y'all, and she's phenomenal. And. and she was in my house yesterday and we were talking and she was telling me about her mother. And she was like, my mother transitioned like three years ago. and she was just sad and took her while to get out of it. And she was saying that the reason why she got out of it. Is because she had other problems and we laughed about it. 'cause we, I was like, oh wow. that's real. sometimes the things that helps you get outta something is not because of your own individual healing journey. It's really because you have other things to deal with. So you have to put this on the back burner. so I do think that that's a part of acceptance too, Thinking about the other areas of your life that you have to deal with as well in the midst of you dealing with your own emotions, and accepting hey, nothing could change. And, and we laughed about it, but it's really heavy. And of course I saw the sadness in our eyes. and it's definitely hard experiencing a parent loss, experiencing just generally a loved one that you love and what she was saying. And I'm so grateful that I have parents who are alive. But what she was saying was that you never gain another parent. and that's the reality. That is the reality. and particularly. The thing about loss, whether or not it's a really close friend, whether or not it's a former therapist, in my case, you can never replace this person. You can never replace a person, although now, because I need a therapist y'all,

Habibat: 8:12

what you see is the

Speaker: 8:13

joy. What you don't see is the other side of this. and maybe one day I'll definitely share a lot more about The things that I go through, and how I sustain myself in healthy ways. but I have a new therapist who's also phenomenal in every way possible. She's been really a lifesaver. but my old one, I could not replace her even if I wanted to, I would not replace her. But I'm grateful that I have a new one who's able to still guide me. but it's definitely different knowing that you cannot replace a person. You can't, no matter who the person is, you cannot replace that person. so we have initial emotions, the shock, the grief, the regret, and then the sadness, the questioning, and then you start accepting. And then the next step is intentionality. I think there's a particular level of intentionality that you have to exist in after the acceptance stage. that makes you wanna become more intentional about living, you think about wow, my own death. It is nearing at some point mine. I see it decades from now in it's decades from now. But at some point it will happen, So there's a particular level of intentionality that you have to think about when you are, thinking about grief and loss and you in your own death, just staring you in the face and. So I do think that the intentionality around you taking care of yourself, the intentionality around you, being around people who love you, the intentionality around you, making sure that you are fine and that you have the things that you need, the intentionality around creating a life that you live. and I think that is important. That is important. But once again, this might take months, it might take years, it might take decades. But I do think that it's important to, to be intentional about putting the. The support systems, the guardrails, the safeguards. I don't know the difference. the safeguards in place So that you can create life that you want so that you can create a good life. Because really, I don't think God, wants us to suffer. I think struggle is a part of life. Let's be clear. Struggling is a part of this world, but, but suffering. Perpetual suffering. I don't pray that upon anyone, including myself. So y'all, I pray that you do not suffer. but I think, I don't desire for us to suffer for long. And I think depending on where you are mentally, depending on where you are emotionally, physically, I think there are ways that we do struggle. But I hope that we find different things to help us relieve the struggle so that it's not suffering. So that's not long-term suffering. I pray that you, find pieces of joy in your life that is, that you can tap into whether or not that's through people, or through an activity. but I pray that for you. And then the last part, or the last step is really reliving and working on honoring the idea of life, working on honoring life itself, Because I think losing someone, shocking or un shockingly, Losing someone, it makes you evaluate your own life, but it also makes you want to really live and you should live or, I think two things are happening. I think one, people either are like, Hey, I'm gonna die at some point, so it doesn't matter. None of this matters. Which is true. And then the other part is, people believe that I can either really create a life that I like. And the part about none of it matters is that you become less connected to the smaller things I. You become more intentional about the bigger things and you should, And I think when you are thinking about life in terms of none of it matters. And if you are in that stage, there's pros and cons to it, I hope that you think about Hey, if none of it matters, then how about I just create the life and create a good life? How about I do that? How about I do that? Create a life that I can be free and that I can give, and that I can make a amazing legacy and impact so many beautiful people in this world. How about I do that, and how about I treat myself kindly and respectfully and intentionally and softly and peacefully because none of it matters. So how about I do my best. That could be the reality, Like doing your best. Because none of it really matters if that's what you are in that phase of, but if you are not, and if you're like me who's Hey, because I've seen death, I've seen someone die, and because it's making me question why God, why now? I'm also thinking about like, how do I create life and go back to God and be like, Hey, God, I've done all these things and I've impacted so many amazing people in this world, and I've tended to myself. How about I go back to God in that way, and I hope that's what you do too, where because of death and because of experiencing loss, you reevaluate how do I create life? that's what I hope that we do. So really the last step and the best ways is to, is for you to relive, is for you to recreate a life that is filled with life, that is filled with joy, that is filled with abundance. so that you can go back to God and being like, Hey, God, I did it. so I think the purpose of life is for us to continue to re reevaluate life. And reevaluate where we are, how we feel what are our dreams, what are our hopes, so that this way we can really create the life that we want and really the life that God ordained us to live. I think that's the hope, and that's the prayer that we live a good life and that we live a life that is filled with God's blessings in every way possible. The truth is only God knows our timing and only God knows why. The person had to transition the ways in which they transitioned, but also at that point and why now, why that moment that they transitioned, right? So death is never fun. and I've said this before, this is me processing and thinking out loud to be quite honest, But I went to a talk the other day. and a beautiful woman, and it was a really intimate talk, so I'm not sure she wants to me share her name, so I'm not going to. but she was talking about her creating an intentional life and her manifesting the life that she wants. And, and in the talk she was talking about, she lost her father, but it was a relatively young-ish age that she lost her father. And she was like, because I lost my father. And my father really wanted me to be a lawyer, and once he transitioned, I had to stop living in that shadow and Really create the life that I want. and I'm saying this really because, I think it explains life a little bit more to me. And once again, I don't pray for us to experience death in any ways. Let's be clear. I'd rather, if I was her, I'd rather be, I don't know what, if I was her, let me say that. If I was her, I'd rather have my life. I'd rather have my life my father. And for me to figure out a way for me to exist outside of being a lawyer, but I do think that for her, it explained why it had to happen. And I think the reason I'm saying this is because I think sometimes in life we may not necessarily be able to understand why a thing had to happen. But I think after a while, if you look closely, you might find the reason. You might find the reason, and her reason was my father had to transition, because she knew that being a lawyer was not the route that God had for her. It was. Her life that she's created, that she's showing up to be, that she's sharing with the world is really inspirational and is filled with joy. It was filled with joy and she is doing her thing And of course, she, she was talking about she's of course sad that she lost her father, but the life that she's also experiencing now. Is worth it. So once again, I say that not to say that I pray that you lose your loved ones. No. But I pray that you create a life that you want regardless of whether or not your loved one is around or not. That's what I want for you, and I pray that if you are losing a loved one, or when you lose a loved one, that your loved one, is able to teach you how to live and create a life that you want. Past their death, that's what I want for you. the reality is, learning to disappoint our loved ones, to glorify God is important. Generally, when we're talking about creating a life and creating a life that's filled with joy and abundance, sometimes we have to disappoint people. Sometimes we have to disappoint people. but my bigger, my biggest prayer because I think sometimes people be out here living, I'm gonna live a life that I want and I don't, it doesn't matter. I think for one, before you start doing that, I think it's important to have discernment. I think it's important to have wisdom. Hello. I think it's important to have humility in the midst of it. but I think it's super important to be intentional, discernment as in getting connected with God so that you know exactly what life God wants you to live. and then wisdom in a sense of you being able to ask people for advice and support, because I think God speaks to us through people too. Oftentimes people are oh my God, God told me this thing, but God often uses other people to talk to us. Tap in, use God, use the people through God, use God through people. I don't know. you get what I'm saying? make sure that you do that. The other thing is, particularly as I am experiencing grief and as you, if you are experiencing grief, is I want you to look at the overflow. I want you to look at the overflow. I want you to look at the beauty of life, and I want you to exist within the gratitudes of life in the midst of grief. I want you to do that because, it's important because it is stabilizes you. It really does because I think when you lose someone you lose sight of the beauty of life you do. You do sometimes if that's you. and I think existing within the gratitude and existing within the overflow rebalances you from the heaviness of it all and brings you back to the lightness. I. And one of my mentors shout out to Queen mother. She's phenomenal and I love her in every way possible. She like, every time I complain, she's you need to exist in gratitude. And I'm like, I am. I'm so grateful of all these things. But no, she's right though. in sense of I think the intentionality around existing and gratitude is important. The intentionality around existing and gratitude is important. The intentionality around slowing down to existing gratitude is super important. So I want you to do that. I want you to be intentional about existing in gratitude, even in the small things. I know for me right now, I've been thinking about like how much I love water and how much I love drinking from a wine glass with water in it 'cause I don't drink. and it's been fill, filling me with joy. And, my gratitude is that I have this one glass that my sister-in-law gave me, for free. God. God is so good. Thank you. God. If folks don't know what Alhamdulillah mean, thank you, God. I have this wine glass, and I fell in love with drinking water from a wine glass, and that's been my thing lately, So I'm grateful that I have the ability to, for one, have water, two, have a wine glass, and then three, use my hands to drink it. And then four, my body is consuming the water healthily. It be the small things. It is a small things in life that we need to just really appreciate. And then the bigger things that hey, I'm good. And of course things are not perfect. And of course I am actively fighting for things that I want and then I sometimes I do complain, I also. Try to combat that with, gratitude. but I think particularly when we are losing someone, when we've lost someone, I think it's important to really think about the gratitudes of life. And being grateful in the midst of the grief and being grateful of your experience with them. being grateful for. For further life and being grateful that you have life and being grateful that you have other loved ones as well, and being grateful that you can continue to create the life that you want. and being more intentional. So let's do that. let's be grateful. And the last part, or the last two parts that I wanna talk about is the body and the spirit, of course are two different things, I went to a funeral the other day. Shout out to Miss Jackie. she was lovely. I met her a few times. This was, one of my siblings, one of my brothers non-biological brothers, mother who transitioned and I went to her funeral a few days ago and just watching life. Ooh. And I went to another funeral, to be quite honest, maybe a few weeks ago. and being in a space of the body just allows you to experience that. hey, this body's temporary. Our spirit, our being is beyond this body. and I think two things are happening. One, I think it makes you evaluate and appreciate the body because this is a temporary vessel. And then two, I think it makes you. Think about who am I spiritually and how do I exist within my mind, my body, my spirit, in it all And how do I exude lightness so that my spirit can be light? because the body is the shell, I. To, to your spirit. But it's not the only thing because I think we exist beyond our bodies. I think sometimes when we step into a room, our energy shows up, our spirit shows up even sometimes before we do. and then sometimes when we leave, our energy continues to impact the people around us and leave a lasting impression. I want you to think about the mind, body and the spirit, the separation between those things and the heart. and lastly, I wanna say that when you are losing someone or when you've lost someone, you can't replace them. Like I mentioned, they're irreplaceable. That's the reality. They're irreplaceable. And I think it's okay to find peace with honoring them. The other thing that I wanna talk a little bit more about, I feel like this is a three part episode, to be quite honest. 'cause I have more to say. I do, I do. Look, your girl is talking. Um, is that, I think that there is so particularly, so I'm Muslim. I'm Muslim and I have a lot of friends who are Buddhist. I have a lot of friends who are Christian. I have a lot of friends who practice iffa. I have a lot of friends who, are spiritually open and fluid and, use crystals. I have a lot of different, a variety of friends. And one of the things that I find most fascinating, particularly when we, when it comes to religious spaces, is the idea of honoring ancestors. and let me define ancestors, and I'm talking about ancestors as in someone who transitioned to the other realm. no longer physically with us, so someone who's passed away. And I think that's something that we don't talk about as much, the idea of honoring ancestors, and particularly in religious spaces, we talk about how bad it is, to honor your ancestors so we talk about make sure that you're, you don't believe that God is your ancestor. that type of equivalence. One of the things that I'm becoming more at peace with has become me thinking about how do I honor the folks who have transitioned while also honoring God, And honor God so that I am honoring the people who transitioned? And I think particularly when it comes to honoring of ancestors versus veneration, I think these are two different things. I think when it comes to honoring of ancestors, I think there's a way to do it. And I think it's innately within our culture, to be quite honest. so a few things that I think that we honor, I. When it comes to ancestors, there's sometimes they're names, sometimes they're pictures. We post pictures on the walls. Sometimes we use their names on t-shirts. sometimes we put their names in books. Sometimes we, we name buildings after them, street names after them. So there are definitely different, ways that. In our society, we've embedded honoring of our ancestors, that we are not necessarily conscious of. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that. the idea of honoring someone who has made a lasting a positive, beautiful impression onto the world. But I find it interesting when, particularly in many religious spaces when we're like, you should not be talking to your ancestors. I think there's a way to honor your ancestors without you feeling you're going against your religion. If your religion is like, ancestors are bad, It's okay to honor the loved one who has passed away. That is okay. That is okay. And I think there's a particular level of peace that you get when you remember them, because I think that's a way of honoring too remembrance is honor. you talking about them is honor you. Writing a book and dedicating the book with their names is honor you creating a life because you know that's what they wanted you to do is honor. you lighting a candle on their birthday is honoring 'cause I think if I were to, when I lose more people and God don't let it happen anytime soon, please don't. But when it does happen at some point, what I would, they want me to forget them? The answer is no. The answer is no. And the people who have positively impacted what I want them to forget me. No, remember me. Remember me to be the person who was Hey, y'all, live a life. Create a good life. Create a divinely good life. Create a life filled with purpose. Create that, do that. That's the least you could do. Remember that? Remember I said that and create a life that you're filled with joy and peace and purpose. create that. I would like people who. When I do transition for them to remember me and for them to honor me. So definitely make sure that you are thinking about how are you feeling, particularly when it comes to what you believe religiously, spiritually, and also what you find peace with in the midst of, you losing a loved one. So initially I said that I was gonna talk about what different religions say. But I realized that we're about 30 ish minutes in and I don't think that I have the time to do that. so during the next episode, we're gonna be talking about what different religions say and just my other ideas about losing someone in grief, and going through those phases. but once again, thank you so much for watching this episode. I really, really, really, really, really appreciate your support. and I pray that you also are thinking about what dreams you have. And taking the steps, the small steps to pursue those dreams. 'cause my dream is for me to do this and although I'm inconsistent, hello God, what I am committed to is showing up regardless of how inconsistent I am. And I hope the same for you, I pray that particularly if you're developing a habit, I pray that you, start small. And then you develop the habit and then expand and be consistent. One day I'll be more consistent in posting. And y'all will see this three months, six months inconsistency, ain't it? Oh, and last piece. And this is, I'm talking about the three months, six months of me posting. 'cause that's what it's been lately. is I've celebrated one year of this podcast, to be quite honest. I uploaded my first episode, I think, I think June 19th or June 20th. So that's when I started. so it's been a year and I have five episodes in and wow. as I'm thinking about my inconsistencies around posting an episode and filming an episode, I think about girl, it's been a year and you made five episodes more than you did last year. Y'all, let's celebrate that. Let's celebrate the small wins. I could have been like, oh my God, I did not post it consistently and I had I was planning on doing it at least every month. Really my goal is for me to do it every week, but girl. So rather than me complaining and thinking about oh my God, and me downplaying my, my, my accomplishments and looking at the inconsistencies I'm gonna celebrate while I continue to become more consistent. so I, I hope that y'all do that too. as you continue to become more consistent, that you celebrate the inconsistencies and that you continue to do your best and for you to be kind to yourself as you are inconsistent so that you can build the consistency, habit, and pattern and. and muscle. So once again, thank you. So what I want you to do for this episode is for you to comment, what you, what your thoughts are about, losing someone. what's your thoughts? what are your thoughts generally? I want you to share this episode with someone who might need watch it with a friend. I wanna hear what you think, So

Habibat: 28:21

on

Speaker: 28:21

every episode I end off with a prayer, so if you don't already know, activate God is, a podcast, a space, a community where we talk about, God one, it's an interfaith multifaith space where I post daily prayers on social media. I also have a podcast and talk generally about life. And I definitely wanna expand accordingly to these things. But one of the things that I'm consistent in and desire to continue supporting people through is through prayer. now. We are going to pray. so assume a posture, reverence, creator. God, we thank you for yet another day. We thank you for the fact that you put air in our lungs. our heart is working. We thank you. We thank you for all that you are doing all that you've done and all that you will do in our life. God. I know this episode we were talking about grief. We were talking about losing a loved ones. We were talking about what does it look like for us to create a life that we want? But I'm asking that you continue to send protection to those who have lost anyone. and also anyone who's experiencing grief in any form. So God, please be with them. Please protect them. Please give them peace. Please give them harmony. Please allow them to experience the emotions while also supporting them in creating the life that they were meant to live in. Help them create a good life. God, we also ask that you continue to allow us to live life with purpose. With peace and with your blessings. We ask that we do not fear death, but rather we fear living without living the life that you've called us to live. God, please help us create the life that you called us to live. We hope that we get to experience the best steps in this life. We pray that anyone who is experiencing grief in any forms, that they find peace, that they have people around them who are supporting them, that they have signs and symbols, and your glory tapped around, covering them, hovering all over them. God, we ask that you continue to really support us. Help us. And for us to just breathe. We ask that you continue to allow us to exist. Exist in a good life. God, we thank you. Thank you. Ameen. Amen. And Ase...! So y'all, thank you so much once again for watching this episode. I really, really, really appreciate it. So if you have not already, please definitely comment, like, share, and let's continue to having these conversations and I hope that, amongst your loved ones, y'all can continue having these conversations about death, and life. and once again, your support is greatly appreciated. So thank you for watching. Have a great day. Bye.